What can I say? The words, "I love you" don't seem strong enough. They don't truly express my feelings toward you. You are my everything, my life, my love, my happiness. While I was pregnant I was on bedrest starting on August 29th until the day that you were born. I was allowed to get up for a maximum of 30 min a day, and let me tell you how hard that was...needless to say I didn't always follow the rules :) , but I did try- I promise. During that time I kind of got depressed, it was a lonely time for me. Daddy had to work and several of my friends were busy. Also I was sick the entire time I was pregnant. I threw up every single time that I ate something, so needless to say, food was not my friend. The thought of food made me nauseated. The only thing that I was able to keep down was Pei Wei's vegetable spring rolls...now the thought of them makes me want to vomit because that is all I could eat. GAG, you can only eat so much of one thing! LOL! I only gained 8 lbs with you, that is how sick I was. My feet swelled up like tree trunks, I couldn't even wear my cute flip flops, I had to buy another pair. But you were so worth it. I was so frustrated= So I made myself create a 'happy thought' every day and I posted it on Facebook. Some of my Happy Thoughts were silly, and some of them were serious. But my ultimate Happy Thought was you. One the day that you were born I posted that my Happy Thought - Caden Thomas Harshman was here. You were absolutely perfect, you were born at 1:23pm and weighed in at 7lbs and 3 oz. I never knew love like that, the first moment I laid eyes on you.
This email today is to tell you about one of the worst days of my life. This is the story of my heart breaking. I thought that I was going to lose you. It all started the day before on March 31, you had a light fever 99-100F, and we thought this was because you were teething. You were getting your lower right baby tooth ( it would be #27 adult). Running a small fever while cutting teeth is normal so Daddy and I didn't think anything of it. We gave you some Motrin at bedtime and laid you down after prayers, hugs and kisses. Later that evening before I went to bed I went and checked on you (I always do this, I can't help myself- I check on you multiple times in the night to make sure that you are ok. I rub your back, whisper to you how much I love you and how perfect you are, and how honored I am to be your mother, and I pray for you- pray that God protects you from this ugly world and that you grow up to be the amazing man that you are meant to be). When I checked on you that night you felt a little warm and you had a shewie diaper, so I changed you and gave you some Tylenol. I loved on you for a little bit and then laid you back down in your crib and you seemed fine.
The next morning Daddy went to get you for breakfast, you normally wake up between 7-7:30am. Daddy said that he had to wake you up and when he picked you up, you leaned all the way back. Daddy pulled you closer to him and that is when it happened. Your eyes rolled up and deviated to the right and your whole body started seizing. Daddy said that he stood there with you for a few seconds hoping that you would come out of it, but you didn't so he ran into our bedroom (I was still asleep because Daddy was being super sweet and letting me sleep in). He just started screaming, "Caden is seizing!" I can tell you, that is the WORST way to wake up, and those are words that you never want to hear. I was instantly awake, and I took you from Daddy and I laid you on our bed on your side (so that your drool wouldn't choke you) and I started timing the seizure and looking at your eyes to see which way they were looking. (It can help doctors know what part of the brain was causing the seizure if you can tell them the way your eyes were looking). After 3 minutes I told Daddy to start the car, that we needed to go to the nearest Urgent Care Center that was located down the street just so that they could stabilize you. Daddy drove and I held you in the back seat of the car, not buckled in or anything. Daddy sped and ran lights and stop signs (he had his flashers on and he honked, thankfully there wasn't much traffic!) You seized for a total of 4 min 38 sec while in my arms. It seemed like a lifetime.
As soon as we made it to the urgent care clinic I handed you to the nurse. He took one look at you and we were immediately sent to the back. Your little body was so, so stiff. I was scared because even though you were no longer having a seizure, you were out of it. You didn't recognize anyone. We laid you on the bed in the room and your temp was 103.8. I felt so terrible. How could I, as a mom, let your temperature get that high? The doctor told me that it wasn't the fact that your temp was so high, that caused you to seize, but because it got high really fast and your little body couldn't compensate quickly enough. They drew blood and took a urine sample. No one was saying it, but we were all thinking the same thing: meningitis. You were so stiff, they did a CT on you and wanted to do a lumbar puncture to get spinal fluid, but I told them that if that needed to be done, it had to be done at Texas Children's hospital. I wanted the best for you. I told them that I would like to be transported there, so they called the Kangaroo Krew to come and get you.
I was just sitting by you on the bed, stroking you...you still didn't know anyone, and you were still so stiff. Every once in awhile you would have seizure like movements again. Daddy and I just prayed. We held you close and pled the Blood of Jesus on you. Jessica Caballero (Aunt Jessica), our neighbor was there within 10 min of us calling her to let her know what was going on. She was a great source of strength during the next few days. The doctors started talking to the doctors at TCH to see what plan of care they wanted them to start on you. We started Rocephin and Vancomycin, both to help combat meningitis. Also they gave you Lorazapam and Phosphenytoin to try and stop the seizing that seemed to continue. We were at the urgent care from about 0730 until about 12. The Kangaroo Krew came, Daddy rode with you in the ambulance and I rode with Ms. Jessica in her car to TCH.
We got to TCH and immediately walked up to the PICU. It seemed like yesterday we were sleeping in those chairs while you were recovering from your Cranial Vault Reconstruction (CVR) for your soft spot. I had a knot in my stomach, I was hoping to never have to have you in this place again. The lady at the receptionist desk said that the ambulance hadn't brought you in yet, but Ms Jessica and I snuck back to the bed you were assigned (#9). There you were, and when you saw me you raised your arms for me to hold you. Oh how I cried...you knew me! You knew your mommy was there! Apparently during the ambulance ride you came out of the stupor you were in. And you were no longer stiff. All I could do was bury my face in your hair and thank the Lord. My baby, my Caden was back. The doctor stopped by and took a look at you and said that he wanted to wait to do the lumbar puncture (because you were no longer stiff) for a few hours and just keep you under observation. Soon after you slept for several hours because of all the medicine they had given you at the urgent care center. Your fever was lower 100.6, you were getting better.
They kept you overnight in the PICU, the nurses said that you were such a cutie, that you wanted to play. The nurses enjoyed walking around with you, you were flirting with everyone. When Daddy and I got there, you were hungry so we fed you some breakfast. I couldn't let go of you, I just had to keep holding you. You still had a low grade fever, but other than that you were perfect. The doctors said that they thought you had bacterial meningitis, but when the secondary tests came back, they were negative. The doctors said that they were confused because that kind of sickness doesn't just disappear. Daddy and I know what happened. And so does the HUNDREDS of people that were praying for you....Jesus healed my baby. I fully believe that Jesus healed you.
Caden, you are destined to do so much greatness in your world. I know this because God has kept His loving hands on you during every time you needed Him. I pray that you always remember to seek Him first in your life. I love you more than you can imagine. My love, my baby bug, my Caden. I love you unconditionally, I always will. I thank God daily that He healed you and spared you. You are yet, once again, my miracle.
Love,
Mommy
