Christmas Codes

Dear Caden,

You are going ninety to nothing making sure everything is set for Santa to come visit. Cookies for Santa and carrots for the reindeer have been placed on the table. Sparkle and Sprinkles are in Jacob and your stockings waiting for Santa to take them back home. You have asked about a million questions, curious as to how Santa gets into the house. We show you the chimney and explain the Christmas magic. This seems to satisfy your curiosity and you hop into bed. We read you a story and as we leave your room you whisper,

"Momma, tell Santa to come through the door instead of the chimney - this way he doesn't get dirty...but make sure you tell him the code to our house so the alarm doesn't go off."

Love,
Mommy


**Three years ago we got the best Christmas gift. Today we were able to take you home from the hospital from your Cranio surgery. Tonight, as I tuck you into bed, I see the glint of excitement in your eyes. The air of Christmas magic surrounds you and you whisper and giggle with Jacob. My heart is at peace and we are blessed. Tonight I have been given my greatest gift - for tonight I have my family under my roof, happy, whole and healthy.

My Christmas Eve miracle- home just in time for Christmas

3 year Cranioversary

Dear Caden,

I quietly walk into your ICU room and see you there sleeping. The nursing staff said that you have been quite the charmer. You underwent skull reconstruction surgery the day before- the longest 8 hours of Mommy's life. I have never felt so helpless, handing you over to the nurses - one cannot explain the feeling, the terror. I still cry every time I think on it. I still remember my first view of you after your surgery, I felt so terrible knowing I put you through that.

I accidentally bump your bed and your brown eyes sleepily open. You see me and immediately start to try and reach for me, but the wires and IV lines make it difficult. I gently scoop you up and hold you close. My heart aches for you. I still feel as if I did something wrong, as if there were something I could've done while you were growing inside of me, to have prevented this horrible thing from happening. Realistically I know there was nothing, but as a mother I think I will forever carry this guilt.

Your small hand rubs against my chin and I stare down into your eyes. I love you my dear Caden and I cannot wait for you to heal and to be the feisty little boy I know you are. You smile at me and it tugs my heart. You are so very strong, you are my little hero. I slowly rock you and your little eyes begin to close. Sleep my sweet Caden, have sweet dreams and know you are safe in my arms. I will forever do my best to protect you and love you. Sleep my dear Caden, for you have a lifetime of messes and delights to create. Sleep my dear Caden, for you are mine.

Love,
Mommy

The night before Cranio

Dear Caden,

It has been 3 years but it still feels like yesterday. The raw ache, the pain and nervousness flowing through my body. I hadn't truly eaten in days and a good night's sleep was a thing of the past.

I sit on the floor holding you, you had fallen asleep and I trace the outline of your beautiful face with my finger. You gently crinkle your nose then continue your journey into dreamland. I see your eyes flutter ever so slightly and I am sure you have found your way into Neverland...flying through the skies with Peter Pan and chasing after Tinkerbell. You gently sigh and I just sit there watching you breathe, holding you close so our heartbeats are in sync. You are my heart.

Even though you are completely perfect the way you are, you had a high chance of not being able to develop to your full potential due to your craniosynostosis. The Doctors took scans of your head and they said that because you had no soft spot and your saggital sutures prematurely fused closed, that you had an 80% of having developmental delays, speech and visual problems and seizures as you grow up.Your Daddy and I would do anything to make sure that you were always safe. We knew in our heart that you would have to have surgery.

The following morning Daddy and I would be taking you to Texas Children's Hospital for you to have a craniotomy. The thought of this brings me to tears yet again. We have prayed and prayed that God would bring you through this, that somehow the Doctors would come back and say you were healed, that you didn't need this surgery. Sadly it didn't happen. So I sit here holding you, I close my eyes and breathe in your smells...you smell of maple syrup from eating your favorite meal of waffles. You had a slight sticky spot behind your left ear. I smile, lean in and kiss you, whispering prayers and sentiments of love. I kept holding you throughout the night, long after my arms and legs went numb, but I was where I wanted and needed to be.

That night I slept with you in your room, my hand gently clasped around yours. I prayed for angels to guard you as we would soon greet the morning sunshine and watch it unfold into it's beauty in just a few short hours. I close my eyes and pray for you, pray for my worn heart that God would just protect us. I adore you my dear Caden. Unbeknownst to you, in a few short hours you would be thrust into a different world. Just know my dear sweet Caden, that you are perfect in our eyes and we adore you. You are loved unconditionally. You got this my love.

Love,
Mommy