I'm sitting on the couch watching Caden play around me. He is so smart and inquisitive. I love watching him- as he stares at things I can see the little wheels in his head working. I can't wait to see what he will become when he is older. Whatever he decides to do, I know that he will be absolutely amazing.
It still hurts me when I see him smile at me because I know he has no clue what is going on and the battle that I am fighting in my heart. I know that him being oblivious is good...we don't need another person freaking out! I just know that he trusts me with all that he is, and I want to make sure that I take the best care of him possible. I don't have a choice with this surgery. I would be a terrible mother if I didn't do it. How can I run the possible risk of my incredibly bright child becoming handicapped? I can't. I have to give him a fighting chance. He will never remember it; all he will know when he is older is from the stories we tell him and the pictures that he sees.
I get aggravated when people tell my husband and I not to worry. "Try not to think about it.", "You are overreacting", "It's not a big deal." All of the above is probably true and everything WILL be ok, BUT he is still my baby. I fought for 9 months to keep him inside of me. If you know my husband and I and the story of my pregnancy then you know I had a terrible pregnancy and Caden is a miracle child- literally. I know I am more overprotective than I should be, but if you went through what I did then you would understand. As December 20th gets closer I close my eyes and take slow deep breaths. When I dedicated Caden at church, I gave Caden back to God. I know that he is in God's hands and I need to leave him there. I do appreciate the love and encouragement that my friends and family have given us. It makes this difficult time easier to go through. Just don't tell me that this isn't a big deal, because it is, especially to me. I have been reading blogs of other parents who have been through this with their child and their feelings echo mine. Seeing pictures of their tiny baby with their eyes swollen shut and drains and tubes everywhere right after surgery pulls my heart strings. I know that we will be in the same position soon. But then I see the 'after' pictures and the child is happy and beautiful and you can barely tell they had such a traumatic surgery just 6 weeks prior. I know that we too will have some 'after' photos...one day at a time.
So for now I continue watching my son play and hand me cheerios that are soggy from his slobber. He makes me smile, and I know that it will be ok. We can get through this, one day at a time.
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