3 year Cranioversary

Dear Caden,

I quietly walk into your ICU room and see you there sleeping. The nursing staff said that you have been quite the charmer. You underwent skull reconstruction surgery the day before- the longest 8 hours of Mommy's life. I have never felt so helpless, handing you over to the nurses - one cannot explain the feeling, the terror. I still cry every time I think on it. I still remember my first view of you after your surgery, I felt so terrible knowing I put you through that.

I accidentally bump your bed and your brown eyes sleepily open. You see me and immediately start to try and reach for me, but the wires and IV lines make it difficult. I gently scoop you up and hold you close. My heart aches for you. I still feel as if I did something wrong, as if there were something I could've done while you were growing inside of me, to have prevented this horrible thing from happening. Realistically I know there was nothing, but as a mother I think I will forever carry this guilt.

Your small hand rubs against my chin and I stare down into your eyes. I love you my dear Caden and I cannot wait for you to heal and to be the feisty little boy I know you are. You smile at me and it tugs my heart. You are so very strong, you are my little hero. I slowly rock you and your little eyes begin to close. Sleep my sweet Caden, have sweet dreams and know you are safe in my arms. I will forever do my best to protect you and love you. Sleep my dear Caden, for you have a lifetime of messes and delights to create. Sleep my dear Caden, for you are mine.

Love,
Mommy