It has been 3 years but it still feels like yesterday. The raw ache, the pain and nervousness flowing through my body. I hadn't truly eaten in days and a good night's sleep was a thing of the past.
I sit on the floor holding you, you had fallen asleep and I trace the outline of your beautiful face with my finger. You gently crinkle your nose then continue your journey into dreamland. I see your eyes flutter ever so slightly and I am sure you have found your way into Neverland...flying through the skies with Peter Pan and chasing after Tinkerbell. You gently sigh and I just sit there watching you breathe, holding you close so our heartbeats are in sync. You are my heart.
Even though you are completely perfect the way you are, you had a high chance of not being able to develop to your full potential due to your craniosynostosis. The Doctors took scans of your head and they said that because you had no soft spot and your saggital sutures prematurely fused closed, that you had an 80% of having developmental delays, speech and visual problems and seizures as you grow up.Your Daddy and I would do anything to make sure that you were always safe. We knew in our heart that you would have to have surgery.
The following morning Daddy and I would be taking you to Texas Children's Hospital for you to have a craniotomy. The thought of this brings me to tears yet again. We have prayed and prayed that God would bring you through this, that somehow the Doctors would come back and say you were healed, that you didn't need this surgery. Sadly it didn't happen. So I sit here holding you, I close my eyes and breathe in your smells...you smell of maple syrup from eating your favorite meal of waffles. You had a slight sticky spot behind your left ear. I smile, lean in and kiss you, whispering prayers and sentiments of love. I kept holding you throughout the night, long after my arms and legs went numb, but I was where I wanted and needed to be.
That night I slept with you in your room, my hand gently clasped around yours. I prayed for angels to guard you as we would soon greet the morning sunshine and watch it unfold into it's beauty in just a few short hours. I close my eyes and pray for you, pray for my worn heart that God would just protect us. I adore you my dear Caden. Unbeknownst to you, in a few short hours you would be thrust into a different world. Just know my dear sweet Caden, that you are perfect in our eyes and we adore you. You are loved unconditionally. You got this my love.
Love,
Mommy
No comments:
Post a Comment